the Lucy-like fiasco ...

Ah ... swimming. So peaceful, so good for you, so, so ... so I'm pretty much banned from the pool at the gym at Mark's company.

It all started so innocently and with such good intentions. I decided that I would get back into swimming laps in addition to my new-found, almost-daily cardio routines at the gym.

I have been looking for a swimming store in ZH, as I knew I would need a swim cap and goggles and likely a more appropriate suit. (The one I have would go nicely with the above pictured swim caps - black and white polkadot number with a skirt. V. Esther Williams. I love it.)

After striking out at stores, I hit the internet. I have found a subtle 'bubble cap' version with a chin strap that I fancy. Problem is I can only find it in the US and finding places that will ship here is not that easy ... so until I figure that out, I will slick my hair back and try not to be too conspicuous...

I was not successful at this two nights ago at said pool. I walked out to the pool deck area, dropped my towel and started to descend the wide stairway, which is on the long side of the lap pool. (This is where I wish I could insert a diagram - it would be so helpful - I know it's possible, I just can't draw at all and it would prove more confusing than just my verbose description.)

The pool has 3 lanes and on the same side the stairs are on, there is an attached jaccuzzi/whirlpool. It's kind of like an ear, the way it is attached and open to the pool/head.

I decided that I might need to sit in the tub for a few moments before I began my laps. And what's a whirlpool without the whirl? There was a green button flush to the lip of the pool at the connection of the 'lobe' and the 'head' and I pushed it. It was the logical thing to do, I thought. One usually needs to push a button to make the bubbles go, right?

Well, before I could blink, water began pouring out of a giant fawcet about 3' above my head into the pool. This was not what I wanted nor expected to happen. I pushed the button again to make it stop. Makes sense, right? Wrong. Apparently in Switzerland things stop when they are good and ready and you cannot change that.

Another green button pushed and about 20 under water jets located all around the large pool began roaring and making the surface of the water look like a bubbling cauldron. I was nervously laughing as tanned, bald man in his 60's walked by the wall of glass that was opposite me, which everyone heading to either the men's or women's locker room must walk past. Busted, I thought. Damn.

At this point, I noticed a 3rd green button. Thank goodness. This will surely stop everything, no one will ever know what an imbecile I am and I can do my laps as though nothing ever happened. Right. 3rd button was the trifecta. Not only did the jets all around the tub start, they blew so hard it spouted into the air. And that's not all - every other spout, jet, spigot and blow hole went to the next level as if to taunt me. If I wasn't laughing nervously already, this would have been a good time to start.

Two more men saw me right then. I probably looked like a reject from a Busby Berkeley film. I waited until they passed and skulked out of the pool looking for a kill switch. The I saw it: a red button just like the green ones - only red. If green means go then red most certainly means STOP. Perfectly logical conclusion. I looked around to make sure I was still alone and pushed the red button. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Exasperated and now slightly nervous, I grabbed my towel and ran into the ladies locker room.
I stood there a minute not knowing what to do. Really not knowing. I felt like I was 6. Do I go to the front desk and try to explain to them what I had done? Did they speak/understand English? If I did that, did I have to get changed or could I go up in my towel so that I could get back and do my laps once the problem had been fixed? It's not like the front desk at a regular gym. They don't have that there. This is like the front desk security guy in a uniform in the lobby of a large office building. No one would expect or want to see a dripping American in a polkadot swimdress whining about some bubbles in the pool. There was no one else in the locker room or I would (maybe) have tried to ask for help and play up the 'new-to-ZH-stupid American-routine'. I wanted to disappear. Mortified. Embarrassed. Amused. Alone. I was Lucy and desperately needed Ethel.

I decided I should go (hide out?) into the sauna. After about 2 minutes of struggling to breathe in the dry heat, I got out and began pacing and weighing my options again, all the while hearing the pool roaring loudly on the other side of the door. It was still going. I headed back into the sauna to lie down and think. Maybe I would just bake away the humiliation I was feeling. Suddenly, a loud knock.

I sat up with a jolt, tighened my towel around me and poked my head out the door of the sauna. I saw a woman struggling to put on a bra (I have never understood why women hook them in the front at their waist then spin the clasp side to their backs, shimmy them up to the right place and slip their arms through the straps. Isn't it just easier to put it on the right way in the first place?) and then suddenly a man popped his head in from the pool entrance asking, in broken English, if everyone was okay. "Is no one dead?" He said. He looked right at me. My heart was racing.

"The push. The red. Emergency. Some person push emergency. No one dead?" He knew. He was looking right at me, waiting for me to cop to it. And I would have, too if I thought that he would understand. But I knew it would be in vain. He knew that I knew that he knew and vice versa. I just wanted to get out of there. But he wanted to keep asking about the red button. He pointed to the one in the locker room near where I was standing. I looked for help from the 'bra woman' but she was gone. I played dumb and was trying to tell him that I did not push that one as I pointed to the one near me.

Finally he fully opened the door behind him, revealing the pool, now placid with only a single, tanned, bald head bobbing up and down one of the lanes. The guard now said, "The button. The red one. Emergency," while pointing right at the one I did push. I looked puzzled at him as he pointed and then these words came out of my mouth. "Oh, that red button. I don't know, but there was someone out there a little while ago..." I shrugged, forced a little smile and turned away, covering my mouth at what I had just done. He left, closing the door behind him.

What the hell was I thinking? Why did I say that? Why did I have to lie? I felt sick. Why didn't I just say giggling, "Yes. Me press red button. Try to stop big bubbles. So sorry"?

I stripped my suit off, feeling sick, put it in the quik-dry machine and got dressed, quickly and shakily texting Mark, who was in a spinning class and was expecting to meet me afterwards. "i've mbarrased the family but dont worry i'm okay just dont talkk to the guards on the way out i'm going home now".

I grabbed my still-damp suit, shoved it in my bag and left the empty locker room. As I walked down the hall past the wall of glass, I kept my head down, careful to avoid any and all eye contact.

I needed an escape plan, as I had to walk past the security desk on my way out. I knew he would be there, waiting. I would pull my hat down low over my eyes and pretend to be on the phone so that if he tried to talk to me, I could point at the phone and do that rolling of the eyes thing that people do as if to say, 'sorry, I'm on the phone with someone I can't stand, but I cant hang up either - what are you going to do?!' That would work.

Pushing the call button for the elevator it hit me: There are video monitors of the pool behind the secutiy desk. Three views. I noticed them the first day I had to sign in as a visitor when I met Mark for lunch. damndamndamn.

The elevator door opened and I followed my plan. Hat down. No eye contact. Fake phone call. The automatic doors opened to let me out of the building and I was free. But I just couldn't help looking back at the security desk out of the corner of my eye. There he was, looking right at me. He looked down to where the monitors sat, and back to me, then, just as I walked out of his sight, he flashed a huge 'gotcha' smile.

Needless to say, I haven't been back since. Maybe when I get that new swimsuit and cap...